Blog Post: Even if I Doubt, I Will Believe

“It is the first time in my life that I am really doubting God” I confessed to a friend on the phone the other day. In a recent catch up with a long time friend, I found myself finally finding the words to voice out the turmoil I have been inwardly experiencing. I was able to sum up my disappointment, pain and disillusionment into a simple phrase I never expected myself to confess. 

A Shocking New Emotion

I have always believed myself to be a person with high faith. My high faith, while sometimes naively placed in my younger years, has always worked out for me. I did things that looked foolish on paper out of faith and often saw some level of breakthrough. I can list off multiple situations that I faced, in faith, where I saw God come through. 

Yet, even with a rolodex of breakthroughs and miracles to look back upon, I still look at my current situation and experience a new, shocking emotion of doubt. While maybe in other situations in my past, I had some level of doubt, my level of faith always outweighed my level of doubt.

This time not so much. 

As I have navigated now years of health problems, the time has ticked away with no visible level of change. I’ve exhausted my options and tried my best to partner with God in faith, seeking wisdom for how to navigate my health struggles, yet I have only found myself coming up empty. Every treatment I’ve pursued, every doctor who promised answers, has only left me with more questions and no solutions. Everything experts say should work hasn’t worked for me. And it has left me wondering, is God even leading me anymore?

And for the first time in my life, I am doubting. 

Learning from “Doubting Thomas”

As I have tried to find comfort in this betraying emotion of doubt, I think of someone else in the Bible famous for their doubt, the disciple Thomas. Because of his skeptical reaction to the good news of Jesus’ resurrection, he has been nicknamed throughout history as “Doubting Thomas.” In the Bible’s account, when the disciples tell Thomas that they had seen the resurrected Jesus while Thomas was not present, Thomas responds by saying “I won’t believe it unless I see the nail wounds in his hands, put my fingers in to them, and place my hand in the wound in his side.” (John 20:25 NLT)

Thomas’ response may have been shaped by past disappointments, by doubts that something as powerful as resurrection could truly happen, and by an honest assessment of his own heart. Maybe he had hoped one too many times for something miraculous only to be let down. Whatever led to Thomas’ response, I can identify with his honest confession of doubt. Even if other people around him were telling him about what Jesus did, Thomas could not believe it without witnessing it himself. Sometimes our raw doubt leads us to a desperate ask to experience the impossible ourselves.

Jesus Meets Us in Our Doubt

Jesus does not shame us for our doubt, but meets us in it. Where we doubt, he answers that doubt with experience. Experience of Himself. The account continues: eight days later when the disciples were together again including Thomas, Jesus appeared before them. Jesus turns to Thomas and says, “Put your finger here, see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it in my side. Stop doubting and believe.” (John 20:27 NIV) 

Thomas believed because he experienced. Jesus answered Thomas’ doubt with the exact thing Thomas had asked to experience, touching the wounds in Jesus’ hands and side. In the same way, I know that Jesus will still meet me in my doubt. That even if I am struggling with my doubt, it does not disqualify me from experiencing a miracle. That Jesus will still show up and show me exactly what He can do. Even if I doubt, Jesus is faithful to meet me right where I am and help me believe.